With every new year comes a new definition of music, a new definition of who and what is worth that $20 CD . . . or that million-dollar illegal downloading fee. Why are music and musical artists ever-changing? Because as an audience changes, so must the performer. In order to have appeal, performers often imitate the looks, actions and interests of their listeners. What are today’s artists imitating? In a world where numerous people access child pornography daily, where Catholic Priests have gone insane and where desperate Stanford boys go to Palo Alto High School for easy ass, the answer is clear: pedophiles. So, Stanford, here are your hip-hop pedophiles:

R. Kelly

At 14, we were all so desperate for ass. The games we played — Truth or Dare, Spin the Bottle — were, well, pathetic. Especially since we were sober. “Trapped in the Closet,” R. Kelly’s recent 12-part song may not be as ingenious as the media think. Four prepubescent words: Seven Minutes in Heaven . . . if that wasn’t the 20th century equivalent of being trapped in a closet, I don’t know what is. Could it be possible that R. Kelly is luring preteens into his bedroom with all this talk of closets? Maybe, maybe not. But in January 2003, Miami police found R. Kelly in possession of 12 digital pornographic images, all of which portrayed females under the age of 18. Oh well. What more can we expect from the man who wrote “Sex Is On My Mind,” “The Greatest Sex,” “Sex Me” (parts one and two — because, well, the first time always sucks) and “Sex in the Kitchen” (‘cause sex next to a boiling pot is hot in more ways than one.)

D4L

You may not know who the heck D4L is, but if you’ve been to a party in the past two months, you better know about “Laffy Taffy.” No, my dear CS major, I’m not talking about those rainbow-colored caramels you adored as a child. I’m talking about booty, humps, budunkadunk, straight-up ass. Nobody can taint your childhood memories of Laffy Taffy, Chick-O-Sticks and Jolly Ranchers like D4L can. (Well, except for Johnny Depp and his psycho-pedophile portrayal of Willy Wonka.) Point is, D4L is seducing innocent children with talk of colorful, sugary goodness. Little do they know that it sure ain’t colorful (unless we’re talkin’ more STDs than SAE), and it damn sure ain’t sweet.

Nelly

Remember in middle school when braces were cool, and you either wanted them or wanted the kid wearing them? In his song “Grillz,” Nelly takes eighth-grade lust to a whole new level. With his platinum teeth and a music video all about ‘em, what preteens won’t wanna “take off all their clothes” in his overheated tour bus? But don’t be fooled — this isn’t Nelly’s first case of musical pedophilia. Remember “Country Grammar?” “I’m goin’ down down baby, yo’ street in a Range Rover.” Lyrics stolen right out of a nursery rhyme. It’s time to open up the grill; Nelly’s got a hot dog to roast.

Eminem

Skinny white girls beware . . . particularly if your backside resembles those of Hilary Duff, Jojo or the Olsen twins (all are mentioned in his single “Ass Like That”). In the song, Eminem does, however, state that “Hilary Duff is not quite old enough.” How respectable. At least he waits ‘til the big one-eight.

Michael Jackson

Sorry Michael, I had to include a white guy so as not to seem racist. Eminem doesn’t quite count.

Now, let’s get this straight. Pedophilia is bad. But with singles like “Trapped in the Closet,” “Laffy Taffy,” “Grillz” and “Ass Like That” blowing up the radio, it is also clear that pedophilia sells.