My fellow Stanfordians, as we commence this wondrous New Year, you have undoubtedly pledged to uphold your 2006 resolutions. As adorable as that is, Roxy thinks you should forget about them now instead of wasting your time. No you’re not going to get rich, no you will not snag one half of Brangelina (they’re having a kid together — you don’t need the extra responsibility) and that new workout routine was over as soon as it interfered with your party schedule. Instead, Roxy has a resolution for 2006 that everyone should make: Get more F’s.

No people, I’m not talking about grades, although if we were being graded on fun, everybody but Roxy Sass would get an F! Honestly, let’s face it — with everything else going on in our lives, sometimes it seems like there’s no time for fun — which is precisely why 2006 should be the year you pledge to have fun. Yes folks, and here at Stanford, the state of entertainment boils down to the three F’s: Frats, Facebook and Fucking . . . problem sets, of course. (Roxy does realize you may not be able to let go of your resolutions quite yet.)

Frats are undoubtedly the staple of our party diet. They are the places where you meet the people in your classes and some people you know only from your Facebook stalking. It’s where everybody comes to loosen up, dance and hopefully go home with a hottie. Actually, it doesn’t even have to be a hottie — Roxy knows everybody looks better when the lights are off and the beer goggles are on.

No wait, I take that back. It’s NEVER ok to hook up with a Fugly person — that is definitely one F you want to avoid.

Anyway, let’s talk about Facebook now. Everywhere else, Myspace has quickly become the new way to make and break relationships. Roxy is saddened by how she is no longer asked for her digits anymore; it’s more like: Hey do you have a Myspace? How easy do you think Roxy Sass is? Just giving away personal information like that? However, Facebook still is the best way to get to know someone without ever actually speaking to him or her. Because Roxy knows you have something other than talking on your mind. Facebook provides valuable information you can use for a pickup line, like, “Hey aren’t you that girl in the Menage a Trois Facebook group?”

Roxy also condones the brand new photo feature that allows you to see people’s other pictures so that you know for sure whether they’re hot or just chose a great picture. Now that’s a handy little tool that Roxy knows will help censor potentials. Last but not least we’re on to those Fucking problem sets. No my techie friend, problem sets do not count as fun. For 2006 I want you to take those problem sets, burn ‘em and find yourself a nice little study buddy. Of course by study buddy, I mean someone who will get it on with you in the stacks.

How do you get said study buddy? You can find that little hottie on Facebook and then “meet” him/ her at a Frat party. Now that, my friends, is what Roxy calls resourcefulness.