With the Torino Winter Olympics rapidly approaching (Feb. 10-26), I find myself looking back on my own sports career and wondering if I ever had what it would take to make the international stage.

I may not have the prototypical Olympian build or all that “mental toughness” that NBC loves to bring up but, I still think, given the right sport, I could be a world class athlete.

As I think back over my various athletic endeavors, I sadly realize that, despite having spread a respectable amount of athletic talent across baseball, swimming, lacrosse, crew and golf, there’s still no pentathlon featuring those particular five events.

Then it hit me. I have a skill constantly in use that could land me right on that medal stand. I am a world class drinker. And with that in mind, I’m going to present you with my idea for the first ever Beerlympics, a series of grueling (and drooling) events designed to bring the glitz and glamour of the international stage to the common man.

First off, in our parade of pale ale sports is the rage cage quarters tournament. Comparable to a marathon, this event is based on the simple premise of bouncing a quarter off a table and into a standard red plastic cup.

The set-up works as follows: the “beerletes” circle around the table with cups filled a quarter of the way up with beer. There are two empty cups (there can be more depending on the number of beerletes) that start on opposite sides of the table. After a tap in the center to begin, the shooting commences. If able to get the quarter in the cup, you pass to your right. If a cup catches up with you while you are still shooting, you must drink a cup filled with beer. If a person makes the shot on the first attempt, the cup may be placed anywhere on the table.

The beauty of rage cage quarters is that, ultimately, your demise lies in your hands. You are not done competing until you tap out, thus halting the game and allowing you to bow out gracefully, saving room for the second event, the Shotgun.

The Shotgun places a premium on speed. The event is set up as a March Madness type bracket. Contestants square off and try to chug a beer as fast as possible. Technique is key here, as the contestant must suck the beer out of a previously created hole in the side of the can. By popping the top, a place for air to escape is created and the liquid flows quickly. The first one to finish the beer moves on to the next round of play.

Now, as we know, the Olympics are not all about individual performance but instead highlight some of the most beautiful team performances in the world. The Beerlympics recognizes this, and includes a variety of team-oriented games in its venues that allow for cooperation and teamwork.

Starting with a variation of rage cage quarters, the Beerlympics brings you team quarters. Here, the goal is not to outlast the other team but rather to outshoot them. A set number of cups are placed on the table, each filled with the same amount of beer. The two teams square off, each with a quarter in hand.

After the tap to start the game, shooting again commences. If a team is able to hit a cup with beer in it, the other team forfeits its quarter and must drink the beer from the cup to regain the ability to shoot. Once all the cups are hit, a final gauntlet lays before the competitors. A pitcher of beer standing in the center of the table must have a quarter bounced into it. Whichever team can drop one in the pitcher stands victorious. The losers get the beer.

Of course, no Beerlympics would be complete without the traditional and popular beer pong event. Almost everyone is familiar with this competition, but for those who aren’t, it’s somewhat like basketball on top of a table. Two triangular racks (like bowling racks) of three beers poured over 10 red cups are placed at opposite ends of a table and teams line up behind them. The teams then alternate shots with ping-pong balls, aiming to hit the cups. A hit cup is drunk, and the last team with cups left wins. Oh, and the loser has to drink what’s left of the winner’s beer.

Finally, for the strong among us, the keg toss represents the ultimate event in our pentathlon of drinking. Keep in mind, this one should be done in an open field at least half a mile from anything damageable and under the supervision of a licensed chiropractor.

After having emptied a keg of its liquid contents, the remaining shell still has a decent amount of weight to it but can be carried...or thrown. Much like the shot-put, the goal here is to chuck that shell as far as possible. Simply put, whoever can throw it farthest, wins. Style points may be awarded for tripping on yourself in the process or knocking yourself unconscious.

So there you have it, my Beerlympics. If you all have any events you’d like to see added, send your ideas to the IOC (Intoxicated Olympics Committee), and we’ll be happy to entertain them. Meanwhile, go out there and win yourself a Goldschlager, Bacardi Silver or shameful, shameful bronze.

Andrew Rogers is a senior. E-mail him your Beerlympics ideas at arogers@stanford.edu.