If you currently are wearing any of the following: a sparkly knitted bolero, baggy jeans, Prada knockoff sunglasses, or over-embellished ANYTHING (tunic, flats, fannypack, whatever), I’m sorry. Please donate your overly distressed jean miniskirt to the Goodwill pile, tuck that studded belt into the back of your standard dorm-issued wardrobe, and for the love of God, burn the cameltoe-causing gauchos. You’ll thank me when you’re a senior.

The trickle-down theory that fashion has a delayed reaction while migrating from college students to high schoolers is true. What you thought was hip back in June is old news on the Farm. Make us proud and don’t designate yourself as a freshman by looking the part. Intermission will save you.

First, ditch that stupid nametag. You know your name, and you know what your hometown is. Hint: you can also communicate this information to other organic life forms. The ability to confidently strike up a conversation is a far better accessory than any hobo slouch bag.

The Stanford Mall is somewhere you go with your parents when they’re in town. This means that the selection is limited and way out of your price range. Skip Needless Markup (formerly known as Neiman Marcus) and beg someone with a car to take you to Valley Fair in San Jose, where stores are reasonably priced and the food court sells deep-fried corndogs for $2.50. Avoid Abercrombie’s double-popped collar coalition and stop by Metropark, the boutique with heavy art & music influences.

If you can make it to the Haight or Hayes Valley in San Francisco, do it. Villains, Ambiance and Shoe Biz await you. Sorry, Exeter and Andover kids, prep just isn’t in. What do you expect of a place where everyone owns at least 3 pairs of flip-flops? We swear by our Rainbows and Reefs. And if you’re currently rockin'’ a mullet or those stripy unnatural highlights that scream “suburban soccer mom,” get that fixed at Faux Salon in Campbell. Ask for Liz, and she’ll work some miracles.

Target, with two convenient locations nearby (Redwood City and Mountain View), will provide all the accessories you need with their Mossimo and Isaac Mizrahi collections. Don’t go to Bed, Bath and Beyond - why do you trust a store that doesn’t even define what “beyond” is? Find the nearest Marshalls, TJ Maxx or Ross to hit up the discounted clothes and goods. Palo Alto isn’t exactly NYC, so “that’s so last season” should be the least of your worries.

Look down at your chest right now. If your shirt says “Virginia is for Lovers” or “Idaho? No, you da ho!” or “B is for Brewsky” or some other bastard child of Urban Outfitters and word play, use it to wipe up your roomie’s vomit next weekend. Swap those ringer tees for original artwork and incredible tees designed by those who don’t have to resort to bad puns. Threadless.com has been my little secret for two years now. With a motto like “Nude No More” and the occasional 10 bucks a pop sale, we can’t help but think you’d rather spend your money there than at Ikea for some furniture you can’t even pronounce the name of. Hop to Neighborhoodies.com for some personalized zip-ups and bags. Word on the street is that irony is dead.

Invest in a few key pieces this season. American Apparel’s sweatshop-free cotton attire comes in oversaturated hues that will jazz up any wardrobe (www.americanapparel.net). Boys, cargo shorts are fine, but lay off the cargo pants and baggy JNCO jeans. Skater punks don’t get laid that often, unless you’re Tony Hawk. This may be because they always look like they took a crap in their pants.

You would-be hipsters should lay off the skintight cigarette pants and stovepipe trousers. There are certain parts of you that should be allowed to breathe, and I’m not talking about your lungs. And toss your pleated dress pants into the trash. Your grandpa wears pleated pants. No girl is going to go to freshman formal with you if you wear ‘em.

Houndstooth, tweed, corduroy and herringbone are back with a vengeance this year. Well-fitted blazers, jackets, trousers and skirts will score you points with your IHUM TF, especially if your comments have nothing to do with the reading. (No one reads for IHUM.) Classy, not trashy, is the way to start your college career. People want to see your face, not your five layers of foundation and M.A.C eyeshadow. Don’t overdose on argyle sweaters and horn-rimmed glasses, Rivers Cuomo will be ashamed of you.

And with that, darling freshmen, we wish you well. When you decide to roll out of your bed and head to lecture in your flannel pj’s, don’t say that Intermission didn’t warn you. A study conducted by our editors recently proved that well-dressed individuals are more likely to end up in situations where they take their clothes off. If you need one-on-one fashion consulting, stop by our cubicle in the Daily Office (conveniently located in the Storke Publication Building on Santa Theresa, near Roble). Our office hours are 7 PM-midnight, seven days a week. Leave us a message if we’re not in, we’ll get back to you. We’re here to help.

Editor’s note: Black ankle leggings with miniskirts? Just say no. That road only leads to stirrup pants.