Ever wanted to live in New York for a summer? Well, if you’re reading this article from FloMo dining you sure as hell blew that one. At any rate, whether you’re serving as a camp counselor, conducting research for your professor, or taking extra classes at Santa Clara, this article will provide a glimpse into the life you could have had. But rather than describe life in the city, I figured I could describe what would happen if Stanford became more like the city. Intriguing, you’re thinking — now what would that be like? Well, if Stanford was like New York:

Every intersection would be the Intersection of Death.

Your bike would be stolen unless you had the ‘Fahgettaboudit’ bicycle lock. Three feet and three inches in length, the ‘Fahgettaboudit’ is, in the manufacturer’s words, the “ultimate bicycle security for urban areas and other high theft danger areas.” Featuring 11mm, six-sided, hexagonal chains made of triple heat-treated boron manganese steel, it comes with a $3,500 anti-theft protection offer and weights 8.4 lbs. Good god.

The police blotter would have slightly more serious entries than “door shut too hard” (2/1/04) or “scratched words on metal bathroom paper dispenser” (5/17/05).

The Oval would be the only patch of green on all of campus. All other grass would be razed in favor of high-rises, office buildings and Old Navy.

Donald Trump would purchase Hoover Tower, convert it to a five-star hotel, and host a Stanford version of the Apprentice from his penthouse office. Participants would include Hennessy, Bravman and other prominent administrators vying for a shot to be the Trump’s bitch.

Late Night would be open until 4 a.m. However, the guy at the counter won’t take your order unless you decide in five seconds or less. No smoothie for you!

It would take a lot more than a Stanford ID to get into that Sigma Chi party. Rather than wink your way in, a very large bouncer would first size you up. If you didn’t make the cut there would suddenly be a $50 cover charge. All for beer worse than the stuff my neighbor brewed sophomore year.

The Marguerite would operate 24 hours a day, seven days a week. However, it would smell like crap and pesky tourists would constantly be asking you how to get to White Plaza.

A large Cup Noodles sign, complete with fake noodle steam, would adorn the clocktower.

The NetAppetit truck by Tresidder would serve nothing but falafel.

And there you have it. If this didn’t inspire you to check out the Big Apple sometime in the near future, I don’t know what will.