Spring is in the air! Warm weather, sloshball and tanned bodies lying in the sun. Roxy always gets nostalgic spring quarter, with another year coming to an end. Seniors, not to scare you, but there are only six weeks left in your collegiate career. Staying up ’til 4, sleeping ’til noon and drinking on Tuesdays are all going to end June 12. Well, that is, unless you get scared of the real world and come back as a grad student. Then again, who am I kidding? Grad students don’t have fun. However, they do spend hours in the libraries and that got Roxy thinking about the good ol’ days.

Roxy’s spent a fair amount of time in the libraries during her tenure here, and she wasn’t reading books. Now I want to fill you in on a secret and issue a challenge at the same time. I’m talking about the “Big 5 Challenge.” Yep, the ultimate gauntlet in sexual academia. Roxy and a few very special friends are the only people known to complete the “Big 5.” This adventure involves knocking boots in all of the five major libraries on campus. Namely: Green, Meyer, the Medical Library, Jackson (the Business Library) and the Law Library. That was the secret. The challenge is to find yourself a partner (or partners), get a map and start checking names off the list.

I’m an advice columnist, so I can’t just issue a challenge and not help you complete it. Here are some tips for completing the “Big 5.” First of all, having sex in the library is likely to be frowned upon by somebody. So the challenging part of all this is handling it in stealth-mode. Girls, wear a skirt. Do not wear underwear. We all understand the human body, and if you’re going to get some sweet sweet lovin’ between the stacks in a short time-frame, excess clothing is clearly the enemy.

Guys, ixnay on the undies as well. Heck, the girls aren’t wearing them, you don’t need them and you’re having sex in a library. I thought you were cool, don’t prove me wrong. The guys will also want to wear clothing that can easily be removed. Something with a zipper, mesh shorts, whatever. Just avoid the button-fly jeans this time, okay? Remember, you want to be able to get it off quick. Once the deed is done you’ll need to get dressed just as fast and get back to studying.

Too easy for you, Miss Jenna Jameson? Well then, for extra credit, I suggest you try the lesser-known libraries on campus. The crown jewel of all: the math library, a.k.a. la biblioteca del diablo. The math library is, in fact, a single room in Building 380. Even Roxy almost got caught there. Do it there and you’ve practically bought yourself a ticket to ride the Bangbus.

If you’ve read this far, I trust you’re on your way to Green Library right now. For all the ProFros in town this weekend, it’s the big building next to that funny showerhead-looking fountain thing. If any of you pull off the challenge this weekend . . . well I just don’t think it’s possible. Go ahead, prove Roxy wrong. I dare you.

See you in the stacks!