t’s that time of year again, and Stanford’s Housing Draw is approaching faster than anyone wants. Students all across campus are living in fear of the dreaded 2830 or — even worse — the 1973.

While students don’t exactly get off on the possibility of living in Stern another year, what makes the Draw so unbearable for so many of us is the excruciating uncertainty surrounding the entire process. But at least we can be pretty sure that the lucky bastards who receive number one aren’t going to have any friends for a while . . . until next year, that is, when the weather heats up and they’re sitting cool and comfortable in the air-conditioned room in Bob. To reiterate, they are bastards.

And remember last year when the results kept getting delayed? That was really lame, not to mention an economist’s nightmare. One, five and 10-year forecasts were skewed due to a lack of updated data. Amid all the turmoil, the housing market nearly collapsed on itself.

Not only that, but the dilution of housing capital is resulting in a so-called Housing Crunch guaranteed to make this year’s Draw more difficult than ever.

And the worst part is that when it comes down to it, Intermission can’t help you get a better Draw number . . . yet. What we can do is help you make the most out the resource capital that fate allots you. And so we are pleased to bring you . . .

Intermission’s guide to maximizing the marginal benefit of YOUR Draw number.

(Cutoff numbers in parantheses are for groups of four women and four men, respectively, in the 2004 Housing Draw. Also, we’re going to be employing a really persistent metaphor of finance for the Stanford Draw, so get used to it.)

XANADU

(198 / 354)

A great bet for those with the requisite capital.

PRO: This one’s exclusively for the Draw elite. Increased foot traffic due to the new Harold and Libby Ziff Center for Jewish life is causing a record land-value spike. Ideally situated on Mayfield Avenue. Expect this location to post impressive short-term returns — also a great bet if you’re looking to accumulate some long-term equity and apply it toward a staff position in two years.

CON: Initial down payment in area of 200-300 an absolute minimum requirement.

STERN

(any / 2739)

For those with nowhere else to go.

PRO: The first step toward an Ownership Society. Anyone can invest, no matter what his financial background.

CON: Unfortunately, the investment nearly invariably posts negative returns on your initial outlay, and you can say goodbye to any hopes of significant property appreciation. As one of the most undesirable consequences of the capital dilution of housing, hundreds of upperclassmen find themselves consigned to Stern each year. A subsidy program has been proposed to mitigate the oppressive marginal tax rates Stern levies on general well being, but the bill is stalled in ASSU committee.

TOYON

(1120 / 754)

Exclusively for the young professional.

PRO: A great place to make business connections with those similarly situated. Toyon residents have been known to form elite cadres and dominate national finance and policy for years to come. The bonds formed among young traders and brokers can last a lifetime.

CON: Opportunities for promotion are minimal. With no one above you and no one below, there’s no one to promote you and no one for you to fire. A Marxist dream, but an Intermission nightmare. When everyone is equal, no one wins.

SYNERGY:

(1915 priority 1 / 1238)

A good choice for those easily seduced by Marx’s lies.

PRO: You get to live in a Marxist dream for a year. Maybe two.

CON: Grow up, buddy. You’re in for quite a shock when you get to the real world. Naked gardening might be fun now, but it’s not going to put food on the table, and it’s certainly not going to allow you to build a successful portfolio as you near retirement. Then again . . . you do save a few thousand dollars on your board bill. Invest it wisely, and we’ll forgive you for your foolish idealism.

LAGUNITA COURT

(1728 / 2888)

Enjoy your retirement.

PRO: Many seniors choose Granada and begin their retirement from Stanford in comfortable and private quarters known only as “singles.”

CON: Granada is only one house in a Lagunita housing market dominated by tiny one-room doubles. Early retirees are notorious for living off the income from their industrious careers. Additionally, they are said to fear many things, including change and associating with younger generations. Also, one of the houses is called “Naranja.” Say it with me: “Naranja.” Despite the inelasticity of the market, a name like “Naranja” undoubtedly ups property values in the area by 10 percent to 15 percent.

MANZANITA:

(1426 / 1202)

An ideal opportunity for the shrewd investor.

PRO: It’s location in an region relatively unpopulated by upperclassmen exerts a slight downward pressure in local housing prices. Convenient, affordable and friendly. Ideal location for older men seeking to strike it rich by seducing wealthy freshmen at nearby Branner Hall.

CON: Striking it rich is a high risk endeavor, and if you have any sense at all, you’re pretty risk averse. Protect your assets: Diversify, diversify, diversify. Upfront costs in the 1200-1400 range are still a little steep, and sticky prices have not yet fallen to reflect true demand and a so-called “upperclassmen flight” away from areas heavily populated by freshmen.

GOVERNOR’S CORNER

(2424 / 2673)

For those on a fixed income.

PRO: If you’re allergic to peanuts, don’t like peanuts or are intensely attracted, for some reason, to those with sever peanut allergies, look no further. Available for a very reasonable initial outlay in the range of 2500, all but the most destitute should be able to afford a place in Governor’s Corner. For those willing to make the commute, more affordable housing is often available farther away from Stanford’s urban center.

CON: Contrary to popular misconception, those with peanut allergies do not invariably live in fabulous wealth. They’re just like you and me. Our stock portfolios look exactly alike, and our long term expected rates of return are identical.

FLORENCE MOORE HALL

(2958 / 2887)

Um . . .

PRO: A-are you serious?

CON: What? Flo-Mo sucks.