I sat down with Tara Reid earlier this week. By “I,” I mean “20-something college newspaper writers.” By “sat down with,” I mean “slumped over my desk with my cell phone’s loudspeaker on.” With far too many interviewers and far too little time, each college newspaper was granted one question, and one question alone. You’d think such constraints would prompt a concerted effort to maximize the quality of one’s only query. Well, instead we got priceless gems along the lines of, “You went to school at the Professional Children’s School with Sarah Michelle Gellar, how was that?” It only got worse from there, once again demonstrating why some people should just never open their mouths.

INTERMISSION: So Tara, I hear you began your career in horror movies, right?

TARA REID: Yeah, my first movie was “Return to Salem’s Lot;” it was based on a Stephen King book.

INT: Okay so in retrospect, which do you find more frightening: “Return to Salem’s Lot” or “Saved By the Bell: The New Class”?

TR: “Saved By the Bell: The New Class,” definitely.

Q: Tara, everyone wants to know this. Can you explain what happened at Puff Daddy’s party?

TR: Accidents happen all the time. Next question.

ANGRY LIONS GATE FILMS PUBLICITY LADY: Everyone, Tara’s here to publicize the movie, let’s focus on that.

So apparently this genius thought he was going to tap into a Kennedy-esque conspiracy all in the name of titty publicity. Maybe he thought she’d finally connect the CIA, the Mafia and Castro colluding to slide her dress down. Future Woodward and Bernstein? I think not.

Q: We hear you’re going to work on a comedy about a celebrity actress with a reputation for being a party girl. Is this role your way of playing off your image?

TR: Exactly. Tabloids make a huge deal about me being this party girl. I work all the time — for most of the week. I work hard so I go to have fun and unwind.

Q: Was it very different to play a role in a horror movie as opposed to a comedy?

TR: Yeah, it’s actually much harder to act in a comedy. Timing is necessary to play off certain scenes well. In an action movie you just have to survive.

If we lived in a world where questions were based on merit, potential for amusement, and not equally distributed, here are some that I had lined up for Ms. Reid — along with what I imagine her answers might be.

[Editor’s Note: Comrade Mohiuddin did not actually have the chance to pose the following questions to Ms. Reid, nor did she reply to them in such a manner.]

INT: How was the experience of being in a movie filled with special effects-that didn’t involve genitalia and edible objects? Did you have to make any adjustments?

TR: Your guess is as good as mine.

INT: “Alone in the Dark” was loosely based off of an Atari videogame. Now seriously, how much would it take for you star in a screen Adaptation of “Pong?” If it helps, you can be an anthropologist in this movie, too.

TR: [crickets chirping]

INT: Okay, here’s a hypothetical. You and Stephen Dorff in a battle to the death. Be honest, how many minutes before you’d kick his ass?

TR: [loud silence] (We predict two minutes and eight seconds. They’ll tussle a bit before she busts out the can o’ whoop-ass . . . or her breasts. Whichever’s funnier.)

INT: So over your career, you’ve assumed multiple occupations. These include the hot student, the hot gold digger, the hot daughter, the hot drummer, the hot DJ, to the hot newlywed...and now the hot anthropologist. How has this movie made you appreciate the veritable roller coaster ride that is being an anthropologist?

TR: [attempts to spell “anthropologist”]