Just because we live under a repressive regime that favors back-alley murder to political discourse doesn’t mean we can’t live it up a bit. Careful preparation, some money to grease the wheels, and a high tolerance for sub-zero temperatures are all you need to make sure your next party doesn’t end up like Leon Trotsky - lying in Mexico City with an ice pick in its back.

Step 1 - Secrecy. The first rule of Project Communist Party (PCP) is you don’t ask questions. In fact, the fewer people you talk to about PCP, the better. Anybody could be a spy - even your mother (sorry, especially your mother).

Step 2 - Distillation. Let’s face it, you’ll need some vodka for this party. It will liven things up, keep people warm and can be used to disinfect any cuts sustained when guests jump the barbed wire. To determine whether your moonshine is strong enough, here’s a guide:

Too weak - Uncle Leo drinks half the bottle with no effect, then gives the rest of the “water” to Baby Yuri, who finishes it off and is found the next morning with a huge penis drawn on his forehead.

Too strong - You black out after inhaling the vapors and wake up next to a hairy man named Ivan in a Siberian work camp.

Just right - The stars begin to shine more brightly and that farmer’s daughter starts to become good looking.

Step 3 - Permits. If you are planning to throw your party within the next two weeks, you should have started applying for the necessary permits about thirteen years ago. If you don’t anticipate getting the correct papers in time, you will need at least a dozen chickens or a small ox to pay off any curious soldiers who wander by. You don’t want to be slammed into the back of a railway car heading on a one-way track to the gulag, do you?

Step 4 - Entertainment. Your party will only be as good as the diversion you provide. Check if Crazy Kolya will do his impression of Lenin or see if Misha will perform her single-act play about the Revolution. Remember, some musicians may be blacklisted by the authorities, so be careful who you talk to if you value your children.

Step 5 - The Party. Drink until you forget you are living in the USSR. Escape through alcohol is the only escape you’ll ever get, you Commie scum.