Ultimately, the Soviet Union Collapsed Under the Crushing Weight of its Own Economic Inefficiencies

By COMRADE HERBERT

DINKELSPIEL

Whatever you might have to say about communism as an ethos, just look at the facts: ultimately, the Soviet Union collapsed under the crushing weight of its own economic inefficiencies.

I’m getting very tired of all the specious explanations that I hear. No, it wasn’t the burning desire of the Soviet people to break free of the chains of oppression. And no, it wasn’t the pressure of the American arms race.

I cannot stress this enough — these are simple facts. I’m not making them up. Here it is, pure and simple: the Soviet economy suffered from a crippling inefficiency that inevitably impaired the ability of the state to maintain control over its citizens. I don’t know why people have such a hard time understanding this.

I’ll be the first to admit that the Soviet command economy allowed Stalin to industrialize Russia at an incredible pace. And yes, the tanks he built were every bit as valuable against the Nazis as our own. But that didn’t mean the Soviet economy would continue to function effectively.

After the war, the Soviet manufacturing framework began a steady slide into obsolescence and inefficiency. And without the forces of supply and demand to regulate the marketplace, production choices rarely made sense. Resources were chronically misallocated and consumer goods were in perpetual short supply.

When Gorbachev came to power, he had no choice but to reform the system. But when he came on strong with glasnost and perestroika, the end was already near. Gorbachev’s reforms became a destabilizing force in the region, liberalization spiraled out of control and just like that, the Soviet Union collapsed. But in case you were thinking of blaming Gorbachev, realize this: the root cause of the collapse lies firmly anchored in the inefficiencies of the Soviet economy. It’s true, just accept it.

NERRRRRRRD!

By COMRADE ZACH R. KELLEY

My God, do you even listen to yourself?

You sir, are a nerd. In fact, you are such a nerd that I don’t even know where to begin. It’s bad enough that you’re writing about the Soviet Union. But you’re not even writing about anything cool, you’re writing about the boring-ass ECONOMICS of Soviet Russia. That is just pathetic.

I cannot believe how often you use the word “inefficiency.” The word has TWELVE letters. That’s almost EIGHTY letters. And let’s look at some other words you use — “ethos,” “ultimately,” “specious” — I can’t even begin to explain how much of a nerd you are, and I’ve only gotten to your second paragraph. On the moon, you would be spanked with moon rocks.

Let’s take a look at your argument. You say, “the Soviet economy suffered from a crippling inefficiency that inevitably impaired the ability of the state to maintain control over its citizens.” I don’t know why you would even say that, because all you’re doing is showing me how much of a nerd you are.

And then you go on: “After the war, the Soviet manufacturing framework began a steady slide into obsolescence and inefficiency.” Sweet Jesus, it’s like you just don’t learn. You are so ridiculous that I think I could kill you.

As if that’s not bad enough, you even go around making up words. “Glasnost and perestroika”? I’ve never heard anything more ridiculous in my entire life. Hey look, I can make up words too. Seprtlja, tönt, njeri i ngathët! Ooh, look at me, I’m making up words . . . in case you can’t tell, I’m being sarcastic. And answer me this: those big made-up words you keep using — is anyone ever impressed? I think we both know the answer to that question.

Hmm . . . come to think of it, your own family just might find you impressive, because they’re probably all nerds just like yourself — except for your sister. Your sister is hot.

Now that I’ve proven conclusively that you are a nerd, I should probably mention that you are no doubt unattractive as well. Your pimples defy the clinically-proven powers of Pro-Activ acne solution and I’ll bet that your wire-frame glasses are taped together at the bridge. And where did you even find a sweater like that? You offend me with your appearance, with the words that come out of your mouth and with every fiber of your being. I cannot believe that the laws of this country permit you to exist.

So next time you feel like making the world a more four-eyed place, just keep it to yourself. You nerd.