Apparently, this 90-minute train wreck was loosely based on a popular video game. Come on people, did we learn anything from “Tomb Raider,” “Resident Evil” or “The Village”? Fine, “The Village” wasn’t based on a video game, but it blew just as hard as the others. Empirically, video game ancestry represents a one-way ticket to Blockbuster in less than a month. I sincerely hope they spare us the trip to the store and ship “Alone in the Dark” right to Cinemax 5.

Christian Slater plays Edward Carnby, a paranormal detective seeking to uncover the mystery surrounding his past. And somehow this relates to an ancient civilization that was wiped out by opening a door to the dark nether world. But just what is this dark world? We never get an explanation, but the movie’s chock full of scaly things that would really like to poke you to death.

“Paranormal detective, what the hell?” you may ask. Slater basically plays a Ghostbuster minus the uniform. He doesn’t catch any ghosts — he just follows and attempts to kick them from time to time. If you would like to know about more detectives, they were handing out puka shells at their table during the Liberal Arts Majors Career Fair.

“Alone in the Dark”’s plotline resembles pieces from different jigsaw puzzles mashed together to form something from a cubist’s bad dream. The characters’ ultimate motivations are never developed in any way. The patchwork plot is just an excuse to make things go Kapow! and to puree a few dozen people.

Tara Reid dawns smart-looking glasses and BOOM — she’s a brilliant anthropologist. She effortlessly analyzes obscure and ancient civilizations, yet she still cannot pronounce “Newfoundland.” Reid plays Slater’s ex-girlfriend and serves no purpose throughout the plot except for an obligatory sex scene — but no one’s complaining about that one.

The monsters themselves are really just half-assed CGI Alien / Predator knockoffs. These nefarious little nibblers have a few arbitrary weaknesses: elements 76-79 and, oh yeah, SUNLIGHT. Not too plausible, but that’s hardly unexpected.

Stephen Dorff plays Slater’s archrival at a highly classified special agency also investigating the paranormal phenomenon. They’re supposedly equipped with the latest technology, but their form-fitting armor never actually prevents bodily damage. This “world-class” special ops team looks more like a GAP ad that went terribly awry.

All throughout the movie, the plot is subverted in the interest of action. But nothing in the movie is visually unique or moving in any way. The slow-motion action sequences and bullet trail shots are truly cutting edge — that is, if you take a time machine back to 1999. Otherwise, “Alone in the Dark” is devoid of any visual punch — even for a video game incarnation.

At one point, Slater’s character prophetically remarks, “I shouldn’t be here.” He’s right; Slater should be back in the mid 1990’s when he still had a career; Tara Reid should be in a movie where something edible gets defiled; Steven Dorff should be . . . well, taller. And I sure as hell should have been back in Grove, sleeping for another four hours.

To be perfectly honest, I could swear I signed up to see “Hide & Seek.” Seriously, they seem close enough; if you’re alone in the dark, you’re probably hiding and, um, someone’s maybe seeking you out? Okay, this is how I rationalize my inattention to detail. It’s definitely not a good habit, but sitting through Alone in the Dark was simply cruel and unusual punishment.