1) Raccoons found at Crothers: Animals have a sixth sense about natural phenomena. Upon realizing that the end of the world is upon us, raccoons sought refuge and a suitable mating location in graduate housing. Unfortunately, said raccoons also detected the traces of certain summer orgies that took place in the building’s basements and quickly evacuated before authorities could begin videotaping.

2) Government shuts down Stanford Linear Accelerator Center’s accelerators: Citing unkosher safety procedures that led to a “fire,” safety inspectors discover that the PEP-II collider and BaBar detector actually used to blend extremely large glow-in-the-dark margaritas for Thursday night Happy Hour.

3) Weird weather sends undergrad to Vaden for frostbite: After having his temperature taken, student was told, “Don’t be a pussy. This is Northern California, not Siberia.”

4) All DVD’s at Green Library checked out: Freshman swears he was doing in-depth research on the social and historical impact of “the seminal film classic, ‘Deep Throat.’” Hipsters all over campus sink into depression after not being able to borrow Wes Anderson films, “Donnie Darko” and “Waking Life.”

5) Students counter low grades next quarter by taking more units: AXESS unable to process thousands of requests to add “Beginning Poker” and “Intro to Intro to Computers.” Mikey Lee takes the cake with twenty-one units. Proposals for Student-Initiated courses surge, ranging from “The Politics and Aesthetics of Jenna Jameson” to “What Would Jesus Do?”

6) Hundreds of “$10 for 12 issues of Playboy” ads found . . . all thrown in trash: Stanford Postal Service employees baffled by students’ choice of discarded mail.

7) Resident Assistant allegedly graduating with three majors and a

coterm masters in four years: University Registrar Roger Printup unable to print up student’s extensive transcript, claims lack of ink in his Hewlett Packard deskjet.

8) Undergrads scheme way into “For Law Students Only” Law School Library: Two sophomores and a fifth year senior shadowed Stanford Law Review editors and read “Bringing Down the House” (the story of MIT dropouts who took Vegas for millions) for inspiration. The three eventually bought Stanford Law t-shirts from the Stanford Bookstore to gain credibility.

9) PWR writing teacher walks out of class, for rest of quarter: Overpaid researchers are investigating the disappearance of disgruntled teacher. Students suggest their general apathy and inability to properly cite sources in MLA format may have contributed. Before authorities could contain PWR, the virus was able to replicate itself, creating PWR 2.

10) Power outage: . . . no one noticed.