According to ASSU presidential and vice presidential candidates Barrett Sheridan and Tam Vo, both sophomores, the most frequent complaints from the student body are related to dining, laundry and the lack of dating at Stanford.

Thus, their first action as ASSU executives will be the creation of a Stanford-based matchmaking service that, for a flat fee, also provides year-long access to laundry services and better food.

Instead of campaigning this weekend, the BS-TV slate was at the Coachella music festival in Southern California. Their campaign plans include targeting the Stanford population that also attended Coachella and getting the rest of the voters interested during the remaining day before voting begins.

“I was hoping to challenge the executive slates to a game of DDR or Twister, but since we’re not having a debate and the election is so soon, my strategy is to seduce freshmen, politely invade people’s personal space and promise baked goods in exchange for votes,” Vo said.

The slate does not seem to see or even want victory in its horizon.

“Personally, I hope we don’t win,” Sheridan said. “That would be a catastrophe, both on a personal level and a campus-wide level. Vote for The Chappie instead.”

Sheridan and Vo expressed disappointment over the controversy surrounding the last election.

“It could’ve been way more scandalous, involving sex, lies and videotape,” Vo said. “However, it was dealt with pretty efficiently by most students who immediately deleted those now infamous e-mails and promptly forgot about them within five minutes.”

Sheridan expressed similar dissatisfaction with the Lee-Schwartz “unification” slate.

“That whole thing is pretty fucked up,” Sheridan said. “I don’t really understand it. They used to be opponents, but then they dropped their running mates to join together? I don’t know whether it’s back-stabbing or just politics. Maybe both.”

When asked about what he felt was the biggest problem facing the campus, Sheridan answered, “The squirrels. I plan on building squirrel traps this weekend to begin tackling the problem.”

The BS-TV slate’s platform contrasts sharply with most of their opponents’ platforms. For example, it has a unique outlook on the issue of diversity on campus.

“Calls for diversity have been marginalizing the less diverse groups on campus,” Vo said. “We will work with the administration to combine all housed fraternities and sororities into the CSSC (Caucasian Students Services Center) to make room for the ethnic, unhoused and other-interest Greek organizations.”

BS-TV is also the only slate in this election that is advocating a reduction rather than an increase in student space.

“We want to eliminate space,” Vo said. “Stanford is more fortunate than many universities who cannot guarantee four years of housing. At least we’re not UCLA, where they cram three students, their beds, their computers and their desks into the space smaller than a typical freshman double. Of course, a lot of them are smaller and Asian so they compensate.”

Another BS-TV initiative is to decrease communication between the ASSU and student body.

“We will restrict communication so that certain individuals such as Nick Rodriguez will not be allowed to make unsolicited campaign announcements,” Vo said. “We will also cooperate with The Chappie to make sure that the ASSU is not violating the Fundamental Standard or any laws and statutes of this institution.”

The pair, also Intermission co-editors at The Daily, decided to run for ASSU executive office after coming to the conclusion that the Intermission section was neither useful or tasteful.

Vo said, “A few hours before the mandatory ASSU candidate meeting, I told Barrett, ‘We’re running. We are the two most completely dispensable staff members that this publication has and we owe it to the few readers of Intermission and the general apathetic public.’ And with initials like BS and TV, how much more honest can we get?”

Sheridan’s reply to Vo was, “[I’ll run] as long as I don’t have to get any signatures or do any real work.”

This, according to Vo, reflects what most presidents do.

“Don’t most political decisions arise out of boredom anyway?” Vo said. “And with Mikey Lee and The Chappie always visiting our office, it seemed convenient that I would never actually have to go to The Daily to interview or talk to the editorial board since I live there already.”

Sheridan is an economics major from Yorba Linda, Calif., a Yugoslavia representative for Model UN and an intern for the Stanford Magazine. Vo is from Downey, CA — home to the oldest operating and existing McDonald’s and the hometown of Weird Al. She is the sobriety consultant and cowbell coach for The Stanford Band, a Ram’s Head Theatrical Society pit percussionist and tambourinist and a pastry chef. Neither have any previous criminal records.

“General student body apathy is the most formidable challenge of this election, and convincing people that a special election is occurring at all is only half the obstacle,” Vo said. “If we could only battle this out with a game of Twister or Taboo, we could really select the best ASSU executive slate of all.”